Coiled Spring

Warning: This is one of those self indulgent, pompous blogs that explores me and what I was feeling today. Today was a weird day. I felt anxious, real anxious. I couldn’t settle my mind down enough to write or even doodle at work. This strange anxious mood coupled with an unfocused sense of aggression and, oddly, enthusiasm, made me about as skittish as a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor. I couldn’t calm down to save my life. Physically, mentally or emotionally. The anticipation of starting a new job in a couple of weeks for (as far as I know and can tell) a great company in a position with a greater challenge coupled with the idea of missing my friends and working out again, seems like it sort of caught up with me. All day, I really didn’t even have much to say I just wanted to be close to my friends at work. Seriously, I would just sort of stand and stare. I walked into work with one friend and I was just staring at her and grinning which provoked a "What?" with a quizzical look on her face. I just giggled and said, "Nothing." in a weird lilting way. This scene soon replayed with my friend Bruce, then Karl, then Darby O’Gill. Darby O’Gill even said, "Ah, do you need a hug?" I laughed even louder. I guess I want to be close to these people because soon I won’t be able to. I want to soak it all in and not miss a moment. But it didn’t help this gnawing anxiousness. Despite this feeling, it never got out of control because I never felt this aggression toward anyone, just in general. It actually continued to build throughout the day and it got to the point where I began to bounce on the balls of my feet. It was unsettling but also felt great because I felt like my old, old self of about twenty years ago. Young, in great shape with boundless energy and enthusiasm. When I got to the gym I worked out probably much harder than I should have and ran so fast that my heart almost blew a gasket. Even then I felt like I could go farther and I did for a while. Oddly, even now, I don’t feel worn out, only like the edge is dulled. I still feel like earlier but a bit calmer. What the fuck? If I was drinking with Karl would that help? Or would that unfocused aggression manifest itself in negative ways? Ah hell, I’m not even sure what I’m talking about. Maybe I just need to masturbate more.

The Existential Tapestry

What does it mean to exist? Is it simply to draw breath? To think of oneself as an entity, separate from other entities? Could it also be to feel empathy for others? To feel a prick on the thumb and the warm blood drip from the end of your nail, landing, bright red in contrast to the dull brown earth? Heart racing from the fear of pain and death. Hearts beating from moments of passionate love, inside of two intertwined bodies, striving to be one! The calm, tranquil emotion of love and acceptance. Are these things existence? To run along a green field, racing the very wind at your back for no other reason than to see how fast you can go. To laugh and love and paint and drink and enjoy all of your life! Ah! Is this existence?! Poetic metaphors aside, the bad times are part of it too. The tears and the pain. The sadness at loss, a great pit growing from within threatening to swallow you where you stand. The wracking of your chest, so heavy and hard you begin to think your bones will break from it. The desperation of loneliness, like a separate form of boredom that’s intensity can be so great we lose our minds to it. The moments of ugliness that can exist within our own souls. These are all existence. Yet, is it true that we are what we do and if we choose to live trite and meaningless lives, we ourselves are trite and meaningless? Yet we still exist. Is it right to search for meaning or do we give up too much of our existence by pursuing any obsession? Is it fair to say that this tapestry weaves itself yet we add our own undeniable patterns to it as well? Random events, actions and reactions, making the most or creating the worst. What pattern will you weave?

Momentary Lapse into Roads Less Traveled...

I begin not knowing exactly what it is I’m trying to say. Blind rage from a wounded soul. Misplaced anger, guilt and resentment. Trying to feel and let things flow. Others play games that they can’t let go. No one is guilty yet all are at fault. Even me to expect what can’t easily be given. Even me to want what can’t normally be taken. This maelstrom of rage spins out of control. Locking me on a course to where I’ve been before. Every time I journey I learn the way even more. Little comfort comes from knowing the way. Little comfort comes from others along the path. Each time they take the trip as if it’s their first. When it all goes wrong or more accurately they realize their fault. They scream to the heavens about how it’s not fair. They just want to shout about why they are right. Yet inside of it all we rarely learn these lessons. We repeat the insanity for a drug like high. We are all wrong, we are all bad. Why can’t we flip it and go for what’s good? Are we doomed to mistake that which society tells us is right or worse, expected? Maybe we should try to tend to our fields, spending time and taking care. So the next time we reap what we sow, our harvest won’t be bitter but as manna to enrich our lives and our souls. I know what it is I want to say! I want better, within myself and for myself and that means for those around me as well. My anguish fades and the maelstrom subsides. Will you join me?

Interesting Image of the Day: H8PHUX Retro!

Here's a stroll down memory lane. I got this lobby card from the very first show of Karl's band some years back. You can clearly see Karl and Danny and a few of the older members too. Enjoy.

Maybe I'm just crazy?

I was thinking recently that it would be a damned fine idea to start my own religion. Think about it. I’m the messiah! I could tell people to do what I wanted and needed done, I would demand a tithing of various foods and three comely lasses every change of seasons, I could demand guys to fall on their own swords. We’re talking really cool stuff here! All joking aside, religion seems like the only way to really get stuff done. I mean with all of the evils in this world, crime, rape, incest, murder and the Bush Administration, it seems that really all you have to do is pick that one "hot button" topic and you will hold sway over a huge voter base. Need an example? Bush (and most other Republicans) promote big business at the cost of the environment and the individual, they are against the rights of the workers, they’re for the separation of classes leading to blatant financial discrimination (which, by the way, is becoming more prominent everyday), they’re foreign policy is literally shoot first and don’t bother with questions. But (and here is the big but!) they’re against abortion. Why? It’s killing babies! "We can’t murder babies!" the deeply religious and soulful people of this country cry. And, viola! Bush is elected and we not only have one of the biggest assholes that ever held that office but we also have many fully grown adults dying every day and abortions still happen (and would still happen regardless whether it was legal or not). The point is this; an issue like abortion will cause normally rational and sane people to act in a completely emotional and irrational fashion because they believe in some abstract form of higher power and the representatives of that power (i.e. priests, bishops, etc) say abortion is murder, even though the bible says nothing about abortion. Hence causing the right (or left as it were) candidate whom is very strong on social equality and justice, is against big business and is very much for the rights of the individual, to lose an election. All because of religion. Talk about your chest deep bullshit. Now that we have been reminded why religion is so damned powerful and scary, let’s talk turkey (no thanksgiving pun intended). I feel very strongly about a few very large issues in our world. These issues are not only large in scale, but large in repercussions for our future. If these became ingrained in some sort of religious doctrine maybe we could change some things. On to my list of top three religious tenants. I know you’re thinking global warming, but you’re wrong. The first one is overpopulation. I feel that this problem is the big one, as it were. We can see the effects already here in this country and we’re not even bad. Just research Bangladesh and you’ll know what I mean. Not to mention global warming is a by-product of population. Methane is a greenhouse gas and it’s release into our atmosphere is growing faster than even carbon-dioxide. Do you know what causes methane? Landfills and sewage. All of our shit (figuratively and literally). Most Christian religions promote lots and lots of children. We’re taught that children are a blessing (hell, even I sometimes hope to have one more someday. I do stress sometimes). It is partially instinct and partially conditioned that it is our right to have as many children as we want. Did you know that this idea initially came out of the dark ages from the church to promote repopulation after the various plagues? Don’t misunderstand, I even come from a fairly large family and I love them all. I’m only talking about a progressive idea for the future.
The next largest issue is the environment. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers regarding social economic problems but I do know that a whole helluva lot of sacrifices have to be made. We should be acting as stewards of the earth and not masters of it. The rate we’re going, they’re may not be much of an earth left in two hundred years and we’ll be masters of a dust ball.
The final issue of my fledgling religion is the rights of the individual. Ideally, you are responsible for your own behavior and your rights to act how you want will not be questioned as long as those actions do not put you in direct conflict with another’s rights as an individual. Of course the particulars will have to be worked out. Anyway, I guess this is partly a challenge also. Using these three (and only these three) tenants, can I/you/we build a pseudo religious/philosophical framework that can serve as a blueprint for social change? Does the idea seem a bit crazy? Too challenging or way outta your league? Don’t be silly. It may not be the best comparison but Hitler and his cronies formed the Nazi party over beers in a bar in Berchtesgaden and look at all the crap he did. Also, Jesus was one guy. At the very least it will be an interesting challenge. Send your manifestos to Adam-Lavey@hotmail.com and I’ll slap it all together and post it all on a later blog. Think I’m off my rocker. Let me know by whining in the comment section and continue to do nothing for anyone other than yourself. You want change? Fucking act like it! Note: I do realize this may seem like it goes against my very first blog but ask yourself who would this framework be for. Certainly not the successful anarchist.

Las Vegas Democratic Presidential Debate

Yeah, yeah। I’m sure you’re fed up with all of the over analyzing and who said what, who scored more points, yada yada yada. I only want to touch on my personal beliefs of what was important about this debate and how each ones performances (yes, I did say performances) affected my decision regarding whom I will vote for. Preemptive note: Sen. Joe Biden hit it right on the head; which candidate will be strong enough in a difficult time to act. That’s it. So with that in mind...

John Edwards: A bit pretentious and certainly aggressive. I don’t think any of his comments were uncalled for, however। I do feel it’s ok to get a little angry over the state of our union and John Edwards seemed rightly so. He only really attacked Clinton and I think justly. He didn’t lose any points with me. I’m not sure he would be assertive enough in office, however.

Chris Dodd: Tried to stay out of any mudslinging and had some really great comments regarding the issues। Overall though, just didn’t get a sense of assertiveness or charisma from him. Certainly seemed seasoned if not wholly genuine. I admit, I kinda liked him though. Sadly, he is probably one of the better candidates but we’ll never know it. I certainly liked his stance on education.

Barack Obama: At times seemed uncertain (or at least was trying to carefully choose his words) but all in all not bad। I also feel he rightly criticized Clinton and I do like that he places himself firmly opposed to Clinton’s style of leadership. His foreign policy ideas seem solid but he does seem to be slipping into a more popular style of campaigning, talking and saying a whole lotta nothing.

Hillary Clinton: She loves to tout her record of fighting for universal health care। She loves talking about her years of experience. That’s really all she says and she says even less than Obama. But, honestly, let’s face it, she is a corporate lackey. Sorry, I believe it and no matter how much money she spends to change her image I wouldn’t vote for her even if it is turned into a gender issue.

Dennis Kucinich: Certainly seemed well versed in the politics of the day। Definitely not afraid to voice his views and opinions against others. Probably one of the more intellectual of the candidates (or at least seemed so tonight). Overall though, he just seemed a bit bitter. Don’t misunderstand, he is justified in that regarding our current President and I can be a bit bitter myself. Just not sure I want that for our next President. Then again, maybe with the power to act, he would be more positive.

Bill Richardson: This guy was loud, had some alternative views and wasn’t afraid to state those views। I liked him instantly. Despite his charisma, I didn’t agree with a lot of what he had to say but at least he said something. I think he would be a very assertive president but I think in a world where we very much need to reach out and revive our positive foreign policy agendas, Bill Richardson is a bit of an isolationist. Maybe if he runs in 2012 or 2016, hmm.

Joe Biden: A very engaging guy। By far one of the more seasoned politicians in the debate he also seemed one of the most genuine (second only to Richardson). Joe Biden was so seasoned that even with what little he did say, he seemed to imply volumes. I feel he has the will and desire to act. Joe Biden to me seemed the strongest of the candidates. Sadly, I’m not too sure what it is he stands for but then again, history proves that most candidates act differently once they get in office anyway.

Think I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about? Think I’m totally off base or a complete sexist because of my opposition to Hillary? Hell, don’t just sit there and fume, write me back and tell me what a douche’ I am. At least we’ll start some much needed dialog! By the way I wrote this instead of seeing the Shook Ones with Karl.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

During the last few days my co-workers all found out that I was leaving the fabulous Stardust Hotel and Casino for greener pastures over at the Frontier Resort Casino. All of the congratulatory remarks made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But my analytical side made several observations about the reactions of everyone that knew and how they reacted. I can break the reactions down into three very distinct groups: The Good: "Congratulations!" These people looked me in the eyes when they said it and seemed at least fairly sincere. The Bad: "Really? Oh, ok." or simply said nothing at all. These people looked me in the eyes and did not hide behind social pleasantries nor half hearted positive remarks. These individuals were few but respectable in their actions. Finally, we have the Ugly: "Good for you." The funny thing about these sheep is that not a single one of them looked me in the eyes when they said it and every one of them said the same thing, "Good for you." as they glanced somewhere around my nipples, my shoes, somewhere in the distance or the worst, their shoes. Why are they ugly, you ask? Well, they are the true tools of society. They are set in the social machinations of what is acceptable yet lack any passion or empathy to care about anyone beyond themselves. Don’t misunderstand, there is no love lost between myself and the "Ugly" so labeled in this article. I expected their responses and in fact, a few of them are the main reasons I searched for employment elsewhere. I was amused by the details of their reactions and the fact that I was able to predict this group pretty accurately (probably why I didn’t care for them in the first place)। Of course some of the labeled "Good" ones could, in fact, be very effective tools but now I verge on over-analyzing. I’m not really trying to say anything with this blog (that I am conscious of) other than the observations and reactions of my co-workers and how it applies to my world view. You don’t like it, well then let me know why. But please support your argument and as Karl and I say, "Don’t be a Spirit-bee!"

PS Hell, I’m even going to see the Shook Ones so you had better fucking be there!

Stardust Memories...

Every year at my job we get to evaluate our management team and provide feedback। These surveys are completely anonymous (or so we’re told). Usually it’s fairly constructive but often it’s like a game of, "What will they really fix?" Even so, most people are able to get some issues off of their chests and usually they bring up valid points. This last year we got a new Manager and our fairly new Department Head seemed to act like a third world dictator. These are my comments and Karl Bakla suggested I turn them into a blog. Since I’ve been ridiculously busy lately and I wanted to get a new blog up, I took his advice. Well, here it is...


Teamwork is the only thing that is working well in this department despite Senior Management's misguided attempts to the contrary (and due to the fact that we have a very good team that was in place before they arrived)। Although Senior Management believes they are doing what's best, they are not। Micro-management from my Manager breeds resentment in the Assistant Managers and employees, it is obvious in the way they act because he is not allowing them to even do the job they are getting paid for let alone progress and learn new skills. My Manager doesn't seem to understand that the floor has a rhythm of it's own and most people are pretty competent at their jobs and don't need to be told every little detail of how to accomplish a task. My Manager also overreacts when things do not seem to go smoothly creating additional chaos by sometimes making a situation worse. My Manager seems to hold grudges and singles people out. If two different employees bring up the exact same issue, one is treated with respect and the other is treated as a whiner and the issue is turned around to make the non-liked individual seem as if they are at fault, I have seen this happen during many meetings. Although Denny was fired because he screwed up, he was very much singled out and openly talked negatively about because he was on Family Medical Leave Act and used it often to call in sick or go home early. I feel this caused Denny to be written up for every little thing even if he should have been a little tighter on his work habits. I can't and don't want to imagine what having a sick family member is like but I would have thought our management would have been more empathetic. My Manager cannot seem to remember things very well and would benefit from the use of a daily planner, than when an issue comes up that he supposedly knew about, he would remember it and not overreact. My Manager also says things and makes promises almost daily with very little or no intent to follow through and seems to make those comments to pacify or placate the subject. My Manager and some (not all) Assistant Managers have openly objectified women, made fun of overweight people and others that are different yet can not seem to see that so many of the employees have individual strengths This is a terrible way to "set an example" is not positive at all and may explain some of the attitudes around here. My Manager also is a "stick in the mud" when it comes to meetings and award celebrations. He slows the meetings down and somehow sucks the fun out. He also really shows very little "spirit" by never participating in the award celebrations yet tries to force others to have fun and participate. Yeah, as if trying to force employees to have fun will help. I also don't understand how insisting that so many employees attend the award celebrations to celebrate guest service is a good thing since guest service very literally suffers while we are attending. It's insanity and shows that appearances are more important to my Manager than actual guest service. My Department Head and Manager have meetings to address issues but always seem to fall back into small things that they have improved around the workplace without ever really addressing some of the larger and more important issues to employees (like competitive hourly pay). My Department Head says that hourly pay is a Corporate issue and he can do nothing about this. I believe this is complete bullshit as he successfully reduced starting pay for new hires. Also my department is the largest income generator for our business yet every time we need something the answers always revolve around "Our budget doesn't allow for that". Again more bullshit as his bonus is tied to our budget and the answer from him should be "My bonus doesn't allow for that". I believe my Department Head has no credibility, integrity or ethics as he created a position that did not exist and hired a fellow co-worker from his previous business, then (to add insult to the already inflamed injury) hired that co-worker's husband as another manager. I thought pre-selection was illegal? I remember how the whole dynamic shifted among the Assistant Managers when all of this happened. They all respect the position, they do not respect the person that the Department Head is. Speaking of this new manager; doesn't he have to adhere to a dress code like the other managers? He always dresses borderline business casual yet never in compliance with the dress code that the other managers have told me they have to wear. Does he have special privileges because of his special position among the hierarchy? Last year after the survey my Department Head stated that he can tell whom wrote what comment on the anonymous feedback survey by the style it was written (why did he say this, it is not his place even if it's true) then I was indirectly accused of writing something about someone. Even if it were true this seems very unethical and makes me question my Department Head’s already shaky ethics and also my team leaders ethics. Several employees recently were put on Corrective Plans based off of a make-shift survey given to Assistant Managers rating all Employees on their individual strengths and weaknesses. The intent (as it was explained to me after the fact) was not to punish or get rid of anyone, but to improve their work habits. All of these employees were made to sign this Corrective Plan which states that the employee in question will be terminated from employment if they do not improve. This Corrective plan completely circumvented the normal disciplinary progression that leads to one losing their job. So let me understand this; Management puts several Employees on this Corrective Plan not because they have been written up or warned for any shortcomings but because Supervisors simply "felt" that these employees needed to improve। These employees are then told they will be terminated if they do not show improvement in these areas, even though that employee was never written up or warned on any of their failings. Bravo! What a morale booster! Regardless of the intent, the damage had been done. Holding an employee’s job over their head because their team leader did not effectively train nor maintain the employee’s skills and their Assistant Manager did not adequately check to ensure the employees skills were in place or being practiced correctly is simply bad leadership and bad business. My Department Head and Manager have ruined my morale and loyalty to this company as an employee. These issues are why I am actively searching for employment elsewhere.


I felt it may have seemed as if I was grinding an axe but others said it brought up some really good issues and hit many points dead on. Let me know what you think...