Flushing Toilet...

I have been stale lately so I read back through some of my old blogs. I found a few that I really liked but I found much more that (while I realized it, I didn't realize the extent) were incredibly whiny, self indulgent and pompous. Even more so than this one. With that said I feel lately I have become transformed into a bit of a curmudgeon. I am growing tired of my continued realization that 99.9% of all people on this planet are petty, base and self serving and use religion or their personal sense of values to disguise it. Sure, I mean within that percentage you can find about a third of those people who actually want to be good people but the status quo has tricked and manipulated them into characters that know no other way than to behave petty and selfishly. Now another startling (yet ongoing) realization is that all people are fucking insane in some way. No one is normal. I mean in a serious psychological health way. I’m talking clinically and we could all be diagnosed. None of us are emotionally healthy. My own personal affliction: Ambivalence. I have complex positive and negative emotions toward just about everything in my life from food to love to people and to even sex. I am incapable of find anything wholly good, bad or even balanced in any aspect of my life. I can't find a middle ground or even any ground. I recently read Kurt Vonnegut's Man Without a Country and I found myself relating to this ninety year old man who had done and seen far more that I have. While I felt the book was a great and interesting read I was saddened that my own views matched his on so many levels. The realization (or fear) that no great truth exists and the human condition is constant pain and finding pure joy in the smallest things (or is this the great truth?). With all of this said I have also come to realize that so many of humanity's so called great achievements (or the one's propaganda leads us to believe are achievements) are neither great nor are wholly putting humankind forward in a progressive way. Many of them serve to simply keep us down or forget the real world. They are distractions and nothing more. They are hindering us sometimes more than helping us. Anyway getting preachy. On a lighter and more positive note: I am in love. No, not that screwed up kind that makes people fuck and obsess and lie to themselves and others. This is an ideal love, sort of like how the Christians love Jesus. This is a co-worker that I am very close with. We work together in the true sense of the word teamwork. She is straightforward, has integrity and even is idealistic herself. I'll never tell her though because that will ruin it, as my own personal history suggests. Besides I’d kind of like to keep the idea of it anyway. (Trying to enjoy the feeling without trying to possess it since the desire to posses is the folly of humanity or at least of me.) This is a woman that grew up in Cuba under Castro, escaped to the U.S. using a stolen passport from Europe and she still is idealistic! Holy shit I'm impressed! This is not a physical love but more of an emotional/intellectual love. Enough about that. I have meandered enough and now I come to the point of this blog. Because of my sporadic postings there are probably only two or three readers left anyway. I am quitting this blog. As Stephan King wrote in Rita Heyworth and the Shawshank Redemption through Otis Redding (a.k.a. Red), "Get busy living or get busy dying." Since I am openly suicidal (apparently) but have no plans in doing the deed in the next fifty or sixty years I figure I'd better get busy living. This blog has been primarily a dumping ground that, ultimately, doesn't really help anything that I'm aware of other than my own sense of self importance. So, with that said... Good bye.