Adam LaVey Lives!!!

Yo, check it, okay bad young slang. Adam LaVey LIVES!!! This is the rawest post I've ever posted. Why? Because I'm drunk. I've had 5 or 6 of my favorite and three more since I've been home. Bad call you say? You'd be right. Disclainer: I have no doubt when sober me sees this in the morning, he delete it. He is a fucking pansy. Not wholly unjustified. If he wasn't a pansy, compared to me, we wouldn't have any friends (or a job). can be so brutally honest, that  people run. I get it, that's why I allow him to exist. But he also needs me, that's why he allows me to exist. I have friends. about 7 or 8, maybe 10-12, close ones. ONE really close! I like them, I LOVE them, but I also miss my old friends. but that's not important right now. My girlfriend, well the closest thing I've had to a girlfriend in ten years, broke up with me today. I am sad, but mostly I am fucking pissed off. Detasils aren't important, suffice to say, this shit gets harder when you get older. She's dumb (and/or not ready) because, shit lady, we all go thorugh shit. Life is an equal opportuniy mother fucker. It drags us down and kicks our ass. and it WILL keep us there if we let it. Fight! FIGHT!!! Keep fighting! If not for people, then for understanding. WHo cares if we wouldn;t have lasted? But bailing out for personal insecurities? Fuck! I'd never meet anyone if I let my insecuritoes rule me!!!! My favorite of favorite bartender recently quit my favorite hangout bar. I was devastated! Not because I loved her (which I do!) but because, in the end, I realized I (all of us) took her for granted. OUCH the pain... There is not many people I hope to see again, but SHE is definately one of them. As for why? Well, it is imporntant to note she seemed to have an affintiy for us, and we had one for her. It was mutual, but now she is gone... She was (is?) a semi-closeted geek. We had things in common and she was AWESOME!!! I miss her already, even if I have not been back there since, I'm not sure I want to. Sad face. I miss my girlfriend too. She was cool and made me believe a few things I forgot was important to believe. Then she yanked that rug right out. People. They suck. My best friend is awesome!!! Sometimes we don't agree, but we always seem to come back to center! I want to see her grow and achieve. Where in the living fuck a, I going inthis post? Hell, I'm not sure. I' have been suicidal, not my previous Long Walk post suicidal, but like, suicide as a logical conclusion. I never did it because deep deep down, I am basically optimistic and I want to enjoy my life even while hating it. Yes, I am a man of contradictions. A contrarian in you will. I wish I could rectify it, I really do. My mom is one of the most awesomest people I know. She is tough and strong and kind. I need to give her more. Okay, I am done meandering and aspects of this seem darker than intended. I guess, at the end of the day (literally, I should be in bed because I have to be at work at 4:30am) I am HERE and I still BELIEVE! In what, I am not entirely sure beyind, a better tomorrow? My own premminince? it doesnt' reallly matter. I am here. I believe in something even if I can't wholly define it. I will fight, I will continue. I will live...