Life is not fair...

We hear this statement all through our lives. It is supposed to help us deal with adversity, to make us see alternative viewpoints and deal with curve balls that get thrown our way. But what does it really mean? Sometimes we go through our lives always getting surprised in negative ways, it conditions us to always expect the worst, to always wonder when the other shoe will drop, to always worry when disaster will strike. Then life goes on. We settle into our habits and insulate ourselves from sorrow. We just accept what comes our way and we chuckle in an arrogant way when we see it happen to others as we feel confident on our ability to say, "I told you so." Then, every once in a while, due to the alignment of the stars, the winds of fortune or whatever, we find ourselves with a boon of what we desire. Things seem to just work out. Even rarer still, we seem to get exactly what we want. Things appear to finally go our way and we find ourselves so enriched by the bounty of our efforts that we can’t help but wonder, "Where’s that other shoe?" We’ve worked so hard and have been so patient to get to this point. We approach the very cusp of so much that we want and... And... AND... "Where’s that other shoe?" We don’t see it anywhere? Everything seems right and good and ready, what’s the problem? "I want this so bad, I’ve worked and waited and wanted and finally here I am and there is not a storm cloud in site!" Within this sense of security something waits. Something dark and evil and patient. Every bit as patient as you were when you worked to this point. It waited, bided it’s time and whispered when it felt it needed to and remained silent when it wanted to stay hidden. In the absence of that other shoe and those storm clouds it is more than willing to fill that void. It is self doubt. In the absence of pressure, it creates a pressure far greater than anything external. "You can’t do it. You can’t possibly succeed. You haven’t yet, why do you think you will this time?" It whispers. And the bitch of it is, it feeds itself. Once we begin to doubt, it begins to consume us and we suddenly find ourselves in the midst of the darkest storm clouds we’ve ever seen. Yes, this blog seems very negative and right now I am mad as hell! I am in the midst of a very powerful storm of self doubt. Very local, very intense and very troubling. It rips me and hurts me and makes me want to scream to the heavens! "Why! Why are you doing this to me, what have I done!" Except I’ve only done this to myself. The funny thing is, when I stop to think, to really think about all of it, it's not even what I want, just a part of a much bigger picture and I just focused way to intensely on one area. I put the pussy on a pedestal, as it were. I literally wanted something too much. Now the good news. Despite this hole in my chest right now. This horrible sinking feeling that threatens to make me curl up and forget my life. Despite all of this, I won’t stop. I won’t give up and I won’t go gently into that good night. I don’t want this for myself. I may have been blind sided, but hey, that’s life, right? Today my seem grim and I worry about losing the potential for something great in my life because of this self doubt, but tomorrow is a new day. Because, after all, life is not fair. At least I have a greater appreciation for what that means now.