“To Be or Not to Be.” (or) To Coherently Articulate or To Compose Literature!

Very recently I had a meaningful conversation. Nothing too crazy but it seemed important enough for all parties involved to be clear. Ultimately we were clear and expressed ourselves (more or less) how we intended. The whole exercise of it made me think. Mostly I thought about how terrible I am at talking about things. It’s really quite funny to me. I can turn on my computer, boot up the ol’ word processor and literally type for hours (which I have been known to do) about anything. Religion, politics, Bush, assholes I work with, relationships, friends, science fiction, sex, sadomasochism, movies, sex movies, internet porn, regular porn, Veronica Moser, coffee, wine, sub-dom, food, hell anything really, important or not. I can be concise or verbose. Get to my point quickly or meander around it, leading others on a path to discover it for themselves. It has always been easier for me to tell people exactly what it is that I want to say if I could just fucking type it! Why? Is it because once I type something it becomes permanent? Naw, I could just hit backspace and delete it. Is it because once I put all my thoughts down, organize them how I want and then let people read them, they are able to see them in their entirety, re-read parts they glossed over and see into what I’m really feeling at that moment? Well, maybe that’s the first part of it. Is it because I am just a poor conversationalist? No and yes. I think the second part is something that I was told about myself years ago when I received a battery of tests and was presented with the results at the ripe old age of 13 (they used to do that stuff back in the 70’s and early 80’s). I really didn’t think about it at the time (or understand it for that matter) but it stuck with me. (Actually almost all of it stuck with me as I didn’t really ever forget anything back then.) Among all of the things the counselor told me, one of them was... “...show an aptitude for non-linear thinking and abstract comprehension.” Hmm, okay, non-linear thinking and abstract comprehension. I remember those bullshit terms quite clearly. “Okay, but what does that mean?”
“That means that you have a capacity to see several details of a problem all at once.” “Wow! So I should be good in math?” (which I wasn’t, at all)
“What it means is that you are able to see several ideas from different viewpoints all at once.” (Another thing I remember clearly) Okay, so what he was really saying (as I realized later) was that I will be operating on overload most of the time because I will not be able to focus on any one thought. I will see it all in my head at once and get easily confused, or at the very least, need a few moments to sort them all out. Actually, I realized much later (as I often do.) that this explained quite a bit about why I was, the way I was. Speaking is a relatively fast paced linear activity, it is like an automatic machine gun firing off an entire clip. Words come out in a row and if you aim, they hit their target. I see all of the targets at once and I want to shoot them all at once (just ask my old tank commanders, they’ll say it’s true) and I end up not hitting shit. When I try to speak and I let it flow, it just goes all over the place and I have a very hard time getting my point across because I’m hitting others with a barrage of details that may or may not be part of the point (Just ask my ex-wife, even my daughter, close friends, co-workers, parents, Crasskins, Karl or anyone whom I’ve had more than a few conversations with.) Jumping around between ideas, to and fro, then sometimes not even remembering the original point! Anyway, I’m not typing this because I’m getting on some Tom Cruise like soap box and crying, “Wah, I’m dyslexic, love me!” because all of you (all 8 or 9 of ya) either love me or not already. What I am saying is with writing I am able to spew all of these thoughts out there, arrange them how I want and make them more coherent. Also, the more I write the more focused I am in what I want to type because it is a slower, more meticulous, activity and I am able to organize most of my thoughts before I even type them. Just some random thoughts from a random thinker. Now, if I can just make a living with my keyboard...